So I had a big cry this morning. Wasn’t sure if it would stop. But it did eventually, and left me with a lovely headache. I wish I had it in me to confront the situations/people that trigger my anxiety. But I find it really hard to vent my anger. I don’t like confrontation, and on the rare occasion that I might vent it, I immediately back down and try to calm the waters, because I fear for the consequences.
I feel like Chandler from ‘Friends’ who thought that every argument he ever had with a girlfriend, meant it was the end of the relationship, not realising that it’s ok to fall out.
Real relationships/friendships are built to withstand fallouts and arguments. It’s the false ones that are not, and if that happens, it’s best to walk away. Lesson learnt. But in my pathetic need to keep everyone else happy, I end up crushing myself in paranoia and overthinking, worrying about being rejected instead of dealing with the situation head on and seeing it for what it really is.
I’m no actress. What you see is what you get. There’s no hidden agenda, no competition. Just a woman with some self confidence issues trying to get through life and make some good honest, lasting friendships along the way. This is what I need to work on. I need to know that it’s ok to speak up when you feel hurt, angry or betrayed. Even if I may have blown things out of proportion in my own head, my feelings are real and they need to be acknowledged and released. Even if it does mean the end of something..if that’s the case, it was never built on solid foundations to begin with and has no place in my future.
I can’t please all of the people all of the time. Nor can I expect everyone to like me. But I’m not being true to myself if I lay myself down with a sign on my back saying ‘walk all over me’.